(Disclaimer: I do not own this image. I am using it purely for the subject of this story.)
Hi there. This is your 21-year-old self writing to you to tell you about everything that’s been going on since you turned 16. I honestly don’t know where to begin so I’ll just come up with something random.
I’ll start by saying everything has been ok since back then. I can certainly say it’s been fun. I’ll be truthful here, there’s not much I can remember in terms of the past. You of all people (Being me, duh) should know. We’ve lived a good life since then. We can write off the bullies we’ve had since we were very little, when we’d be blamed for breaking a computer in Year 5 when it wasn’t our fault (If my Year 5 teacher ever reads this, you should know who you are).
But where do I start? Oh yeah, I’ll start by saying at this point I’m just about to go into my 3rd and final year at University. I know at this point you want to be a chef but let’s be realistic, we’re atrocious when it comes to cooking. Instead, we’ve chosen to move into media because why not? We’ve already had fun parodying The Doctor as a baby and naming his TARDIS the Baby Rocker. That was fun. The real creativity comes from where you’re at, and I’m proud to say we’re flourishing with new ideas at this point (I’ve had to write a lot of them down).
Another thing is I’ve made new friends now. I’ve left some behind. You already know we had to leave the Primary School Crew behind. Old friends like Dylan, Alex, Sam and Johnny. Who knows? We may run into them again one day. At this point you have Ben and Kirsty, but I should warn you that Kirsty isn’t a good influence. We lost touch after School. We never speak anymore but honestly, and I don’t mean any disrespect to Kirsty, I think that’s a good thing. We also make friends with some of the greatest people I will forever treasure in my life. I’m talking about the guys from college, one of whom in particular has become one of the greatest people I’ve ever known (Just for fun I’ll let them figure out who it is). Their names are Rob, Danny and Rahib (And there’s another Danny too who happens to be Danny’s boyfriend (Yeah, even I still get confused sometimes). And let’s not forget my Uni Family. There’s Alex (I’ll consider him my Uni bestie because he’s the one I’m closest to from Uni, no offence to the others). There’s Keenan and funnily enough although we’re always anxious to talk to girls there’s actually a couple we know at this point. There’s Vicky, Courtney, Cat and Kate. I’m actually moving into a house with a couple of them at the end of September. And let’s not forget an honorable mention from Jack.
But yeah, that’s basically my life. College and Uni. Still haven’t found a job yet because I’m a lazy dick but I should get on that. But I’m not just here to talk about that. I’m going to reveal some things in this letter that some people haven’t seen, and some people have. I want to talk about you. I want to talk about my past life when I was you.
You’re 15. The hormonal changes are finishing up, your voice is deeper but you’re that sweet, anxious and oblivious kid who doesn’t know any better. And in a way we still are. I know people are nice to you but you can’t figure them out. You don’t know whether they’re being friendly or they just feel sorry for you. Because you’re not a people person. You like to hide yourself, even from Ben and your family, because that’s what you do. And I know how dark it’s gotten because like I said, I am you, so I have experienced it.
There’s a darkness that you’ve always thought of but never touched upon. And there’s one word that comes to mind whenever you think of something dark. And those that read this will know the same word, because there is not one single person in existence who has ever thought the same thing. That word, is suicidal. Yeah, we’ve all been there. You don’t know what Asperger’s fully is yet, and you think the world is caving in around you. Trust me mate, it’s not that bad. But you’ve considered suicide on more than one occasion and you even tried being an attention whore about it and the worst part is you never told mum or dad. They found out and you cried in mum’s arms because you felt like shit. But my advice is, shut the fuck up.
Yeah, I said shut up. We all know suicide isn’t an option and you still need to learn your place in the world. Hell, had you been that much of a coward I wouldn’t be here writing this today. Now, i’m going to share something now that I address to the reader directly, whilst also talking to my past self. And if anyone reads it, please read it with absolute discretion-
I’ve been low before. I’d be lying if I said i’d never considered suicide again. I have one of the most boring disabilities and it shouldn’t affect me that much but it does. My biggest example is in may, when I almost destroyed one of my biggest friendships ever. I’d gone out on the Saturday night for another friend’s birthday and I’d suddenly received a spiteful message that attacked me because they’d sided with my friend, and ultimately decided that none of them wanted to be my friend. So I cried. I cried because I thought I’d lost my friends forever so in order to prevent myself from being stupid I gave my phone to a friend to look after for the night. But that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was the next day. I’d drunkenly called my friend asking for forgiveness but never got an answer. So I got low. I thought about suicide. And here’s the worst part- I’d decided to write letters to everyone I knew detailing something but the moment I wrote Dear Mum and Dad, I just bawled like a fucking baby and discovered I couldn’t go through with it. I knew I was being a coward so I gave up. And Mum, Dad if you read this the only thing I want to say is I’m sorry, but please don’t mention it to me as the first thing I would do is go silent because it’s a painful memory to think of.
So yeah, younger me you have a lot to think about. I’d say don’t make the same mistake I did but we both know since you’re me it’s going to happen. If I could go back now I’d cause a paradox and hit you and make you realize your mistakes. But there’s some things that should be left untouched, and honestly going back in time is more of a fantasy then a reality.
I’ve realised I’ve been speaking directly to the audience rather than my 15-year-old self. Dude, just know that you’ll have a pretty interesting life ahead of you and at some point we should ask our 40-year-old self where he is in life now (I guess that would be interesting).
I wish you a good life,
Your future self
And now I speak directly to my readers. This is my story and if you accept it then thank you for understanding. If you’re brave enough, I urge you to write a letter to your 15-year-old self and let me know. It could be private or it could be public. It’s entirely up to you. And use the hashtag #Dear15YOMe because we love that hashtag shit don’t we? (Also link me to the blog if you’ve done it via a blog). And now, one last thing. I know I don’t like to showboat things but what the hell, let’s try and make this go viral, so we can at least inspire other people? Do it just this once for me. Share the hell out of this story because I want people to know the real me and we can show people with Aspergers, Depression and Anxiety that there’s nothing to be afraid of. And remember, I AM ME.