Suffering in Silence

Let me talk about suffering. Specifically suffering in silence. Let me start by saying DON’T DO THAT. Granted I do it myself so I may be a hypocrite in this situation but at least I’m getting better with it. I’m going to start with a story from a couple of weeks back and it’s a little sensitive for me.

So a couple of weeks ago I got drunk. Like very drunk. I hadn’t really drank as much in a while so for some stupid reason I thought i’d go all out and get blackout drunk. After I had done that I felt some need to abandon my friends and walk home from the club. Which was a very, VERY stupid decision. I called everything I could. I called Rob, I tried calling Danny and my friends from Uni whom I had gone out with. I started panicking. Thus, I had a panic attack. Not a minor one but like a major one. I pissed off Rob by calling him at 3 in the morning but somehow made my way to MediaCity and made it home. But the worst part is that on my little walking escapade I decided to go “live” on Facebook. People saw it and tried to help me. Not the best way to let people know you’ve had a panic attack but yeah. Vicky and Keenan were especially helpful that night and when I got back Vicky reassured me that everything was ok and I went to bed. But that didn’t stop my parents from calling me worried sick out of their mind the next day and we went over everything when they visited the same day.

Trust me, suffering alone isn’t a good idea. If you have a panic attack and you don’t tell anyone you’ll only continue to do the same thing and eventually you can do something stupid. Just recently I’d had a panic attack over something stupid. Was my fault really. Let’s just say some people I called friends are no longer friends because they’re making me seem like the bad guy even though I felt what I did in this situation was right because it was. And if you read this guys, I’m sorry, but our friendship isn’t healthy so it’s a good idea we ended it. I don’t hate you even though you hate me and for legal reasons I won’t name who they are (even though everyone I know knows who is responsible). It’s something I know I’ll regret every day but I know it’s right for all of us.

So yeah, if you’re suffering make sure you talk to someone about it. I’d like to thank my parents, brother Evan, my friends Vicky, Cat, Alex and guest housemate Keenan because I know they have my back. Don’t let yourself suffer in silence. It’s never a good idea. Just talk to someone. And if you can’t, my personal e-mail is Mark the subject NO SILENCE and then ask me your question because who better than a person with panic attacks to help you through this?

A Letter to my 15-Year-Old Self

(Disclaimer: I do not own this image. I am using it purely for the subject of this story.)

Dear Lukas,

Hi there. This is your 21-year-old self writing to you to tell you about everything that’s been going on since you turned 16. I honestly don’t know where to begin so I’ll just come up with something random.

I’ll start by saying everything has been ok since back then. I can certainly say it’s been fun. I’ll be truthful here, there’s not much I can remember in terms of the past. You of all people (Being me, duh) should know. We’ve lived a good life since then. We can write off the bullies we’ve had since we were very little, when we’d be blamed for breaking a computer in Year 5 when it wasn’t our fault (If my Year 5 teacher ever reads this, you should know who you are).

But where do I start? Oh yeah, I’ll start by saying at this point I’m just about to go into my 3rd and final year at University. I know at this point you want to be a chef but let’s be realistic, we’re atrocious when it comes to cooking. Instead, we’ve chosen to move into media because why not? We’ve already had fun parodying The Doctor as a baby and naming his TARDIS the Baby Rocker. That was fun. The real creativity comes from where you’re at, and I’m proud to say we’re flourishing with new ideas at this point (I’ve had to write a lot of them down).

Another thing is I’ve made new friends now. I’ve left some behind. You already know we had to leave the Primary School Crew behind. Old friends like Dylan, Alex, Sam and Johnny. Who knows? We may run into them again one day. At this point you have Ben and Kirsty, but I should warn you that Kirsty isn’t a good influence. We lost touch after School. We never speak anymore but honestly, and I don’t mean any disrespect to Kirsty, I think that’s a good thing. We also make friends with some of the greatest people I will forever treasure in my life. I’m talking about the guys from college, one of whom in particular has become one of the greatest people I’ve ever known (Just for fun I’ll let them figure out who it is). Their names are Rob, Danny and Rahib (And there’s another Danny too who happens to be Danny’s boyfriend (Yeah, even I still get confused sometimes). And let’s not forget my Uni Family. There’s Alex (I’ll consider him my Uni bestie because he’s the one I’m closest to from Uni, no offence to the others). There’s Keenan and funnily enough although we’re always anxious to talk to girls there’s actually a couple we know at this point. There’s Vicky, Courtney, Cat and Kate. I’m actually moving into a house with a couple of them at the end of September. And let’s not forget an honorable mention from Jack.

But yeah, that’s basically my life. College and Uni. Still haven’t found a job yet because I’m a lazy dick but I should get on that. But I’m not just here to talk about that. I’m going to reveal some things in this letter that some people haven’t seen, and some people have. I want to talk about you. I want to talk about my past life when I was you.

You’re 15. The hormonal changes are finishing up, your voice is deeper but you’re that sweet, anxious and oblivious kid who doesn’t know any better. And in a way we still are. I know people are nice to you but you can’t figure them out. You don’t know whether they’re being friendly or they just feel sorry for you. Because you’re not a people person. You like to hide yourself, even from Ben and your family, because that’s what you do. And I know how dark it’s gotten because like I said, I am you, so I have experienced it.

There’s a darkness that you’ve always thought of but never touched upon. And there’s one word that comes to mind whenever you think of something dark. And those that read this will know the same word, because there is not one single person in existence who has ever thought the same thing. That word, is suicidal. Yeah, we’ve all been there. You don’t know what Asperger’s fully is yet, and you think the world is caving in around you. Trust me mate, it’s not that bad. But you’ve considered suicide on more than one occasion and you even tried being an attention whore about it and the worst part is you never told mum or dad. They found out and you cried in mum’s arms because you felt like shit. But my advice is, shut the fuck up.

Yeah, I said shut up. We all know suicide isn’t an option and you still need to learn your place in the world. Hell, had you been that much of a coward I wouldn’t be here writing this today. Now, i’m going to share something now that I address to the reader directly, whilst also talking to my past self. And if anyone reads it, please read it with absolute discretion-

I’ve been low before. I’d be lying if I said i’d never considered suicide again. I have one of the most boring disabilities and it shouldn’t affect me that much but it does. My biggest example is in may, when I almost destroyed one of my biggest friendships ever. I’d gone out on the Saturday night for another friend’s birthday and I’d suddenly received a spiteful message that attacked me because they’d sided with my friend, and ultimately decided that none of them wanted to be my friend. So I cried. I cried because I thought I’d lost my friends forever so in order to prevent myself from being stupid I gave my phone to a friend to look after for the night. But that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was the next day. I’d drunkenly called my friend asking for forgiveness but never got an answer. So I got low. I thought about suicide. And here’s the worst part- I’d decided to write letters to everyone I knew detailing something but the moment I wrote Dear Mum and Dad, I just bawled like a fucking baby and discovered I couldn’t go through with it. I knew I was being a coward so I gave up. And Mum, Dad if you read this the only thing I want to say is I’m sorry, but please don’t mention it to me as the first thing I would do is go silent because it’s a painful memory to think of.

So yeah, younger me you have a lot to think about. I’d say don’t make the same mistake I did but we both know since you’re me it’s going to happen. If I could go back now I’d cause a paradox and hit you and make you realize your mistakes. But there’s some things that should be left untouched, and honestly going back in time is more of a fantasy then a reality. 

I’ve realised I’ve been speaking directly to the audience rather than my 15-year-old self. Dude, just know that you’ll have a pretty interesting life ahead of you and at some point we should ask our 40-year-old self where he is in life now (I guess that would be interesting).

I wish you a good life,

Your future self

And now I speak directly to my readers. This is my story and if you accept it then thank you for understanding. If you’re brave enough, I urge you to write a letter to your 15-year-old self and let me know. It could be private or it could be public. It’s entirely up to you. And use the hashtag #Dear15YOMe because we love that hashtag shit don’t we? (Also link me to the blog if you’ve done it via a blog). And now, one last thing. I know I don’t like to showboat things but what the hell, let’s try and make this go viral, so we can at least inspire other people? Do it just this once for me. Share the hell out of this story because I want people to know the real me and we can show people with Aspergers, Depression and Anxiety that there’s nothing to be afraid of. And remember, I AM ME.

My Advice to those with Aspergers

For this post, I’m not really going to talk about myself much. In fact, I’m not going to talk about myself at all (save for this opening statement). I’m going to speak a little bit about people in general, and maybe offer a little bit of advice to people with Aspergers or any parents of people with Aspergers.

Here’s my advice to those with Aspergers. If you’re struggling to connect with anyone or you’re finding that life is hard in general- believe me, it’s not. I know Aspergers/Autism affects various people differently so I can’t speak for everyone. One common known thing though is Social Anxiety. Some people struggle to get out their words. And what I can tell you is that it’s not as difficult as it seems. It doesn’t matter what age you are, a new friendship always starts with a simple ‘hello’. Remember that Social Anxiety isn’t just limited to people with disorders. It’s a common problem for a few people, but everything is overcome. Find someone with your shared interests and then you’ll easily hit it off. But i’m going to remind you once more that it isn’t as hard as it seems.

And now I’m going to give you advice on your behaviour. I know it’s unpredictable but just think of who is around you. Some days you can be sad, some you can be happy and some days you can be downright angry at the world. That’s why families exist (Well that, and their undying love for their family). If you’re giving your parents a hard time, just remember that they are trying their best to make sure you are happy. Don’t be hard on them, they aren’t doing anything wrong. If anything, they are heroes for being able to handle someone with mixed emotions (hint: this is usually just a teenage thing).

If I had to give the parents some advice, my advice would be time. If your child has Aspergers/Autism then just have patience with them. The best thing you can do is wait. It’s not easy having Aspergers. It seems like one of the hardest things in the world to deal with, but it really isn’t. You guys are absolute heroes for dealing with this. They may not say it, but secretly they know you’re just trying to help and if anything I respect you for it.

A Little Update

Hey, it’s been a while. How’ve you been?

Which is what I would say if I was talking to a real person. Perhaps whoever reads this is a real person. Unless you’re a bot. I hate those things. Anyway, getting back on track…

It has certainly been a while. My last post was Christmas related and it’s now March so we’re creeping up on Easter. However, I want to give an update on everything in either my personal life or related to the blog or even related to the campaign.

As far as my personal life goes, life recently has had both its ups and its downs. I celebrated my Birthday with a couple of college friends and reunited with an old friend from primary school whom I haven’t seen for 3 years until then. And people from Uni were there too, duh. I had a bad experience with my Aspergers about two months back but thanks to Alex and a phone call from Rahib and Danny I was able to calm down. As I’ve mentioned before it’s not easy. Aspergers can take many forms and affect people very differently. Some have severe Aspergers; some have it mild. I guess I’m an in between person. (It really doesn’t help my OCD either).

Also, I’ve moved in with a a dude and a couple of dudettes (Ok, the dude is also a dudette, I think. I may have to ask him one day.) It’s a nice house built for six people but enough of that. It’s fair to say that I’m currently at a good point in my life and for once I’m not trying to ruin it by thinking of the next bad thing that comes my way… yet.


Now, as far as the blog goes it will be started up again pretty soon. I have no intention of ending it; it’s just that I’ve felt no need to post for a while. However, what I want to do is make this thing a little more noticeable to people. Hence why I’m starting a few new things. One is to get the stories of people with Aspergers and Autism and with their permission I will post it on here. The other is to possibly give access of this blog to my friends and they can give their own unique perspective.  And a third is to offer my advice and my family’s advice each week by letting them tell you how you can deal with people with Aspergers and other forms of Mental Disabilities. There will be other plans but I’ll make that announcement pretty soon.


And finally, as far as the campaign goes I’ve been too preoccupied with other things at the moment to sort this out. Eventually I’ll get around to it. I have a couple of people based in my committee now and in about a week or two I’ll announce who they are via the blog. I’m hoping to at least start it by the end of the year but right now I’m focused on University due to the fact I have a few assignments headed my way in about a month or two.


Anyway, I’m glad to see if any non-robots will read this blog and I hope to get the ball rolling on this thing soon. #IAMME2016 is going to come. I’ll see you soon!!

It’s on its Way!!

Ok, so I can officially announce that the I Am Me Official Campaign is on i’s way!!

I’m halfway through choosing my committee as we speak and I’ll officially announce who they are in the coming weeks.

But bear in mind that we’re coming pretty soon, so keep your eyes peeled!!

I thank everyone who has seen my posts from Day One yet again (Trust me, it’s like a switch I can’t turn off).

The Campaign is expected to begin between February-April, so let’s get it started… in heeerrrrrreeeeee. (Nope, stop it. No song references. I promise I’ll stop.)

Anyway, I hope everyone had a great New Year and let’s get this thing of to a wonderful start! I’ll see y’all soon!

I’m Scared

If you read this, I challenge you. I challenge you to write a post on social Media with the hashtag #BECAUSEIAMSCARED. However read this story first and the details will be placed in the bottom. When you write this, please share the link to this post and if you know the author (IE Me, Lukas Harrison) tag me in so I can see it or if you’re a friend of a friend tag them in it and share it with others.

Now imagine you’re at a bar/club/restaurant/school/whatever. Now imagine you’re a guy/girl that’s sat close to another guy/girl. You really have a crush on this person and you walk up to them and you have no idea what to say. Scratch that. We’ll remove even walking up to them because you’re too nervous to even approach them. Try having that but with ten million worse things running around your head.

And we all know it as Social Anxiety.

You want to know why I write everything down? Because I’m too scared to say it aloud. Normal people can address their issues with others but I turn to my blog. It’s my solace and my passion at the same time. But it’s also the one thing that holds me back.

When in general conversation I have over a million thoughts in my head. And yet none of them are to do with what we’re talking about. And then people look at me because i’m off in space with Sandra Bullock trying to get back to Earth but having multiple failed attempts because I have no George Clooney to help me.

You look at me and you see me as this possibly nice, handsome guy who practically laughs and smiles at everything because I have a little bit of charm. But what you don’t know is that inside I don’t have a clue what to say.

Communication has been hard for me. Then again, it may be hard for a couple of people with the same. Some of us have it hard so we seek solace within a book or a TV or something else. It’s because we’re scared.  It’s because we don’t know who to talk to or what to do.

I may be droning on a bit and going off topic but it’s something I want to get off my chest. In High School was practically the worst time for me. I never liked speaking to people. I was always the quietest one of the bunch. The past is a little vague but I remembered something about bullying. I was convinced everyone hated me when I may have just been paranoid.

I’m not afraid to admit now that I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll push people away because there’s nothing I can say to make it better. I’m scared I’ll lose my friends because of something stupid that will probably not even happen. I’m shut in. I’m locked away. I don’t want to talk to people because I’m fucking terrified of how everything will turn out.

But I can face it. And I’m not alone.

I can fight it. Of course I can. There’s nothing stopping me from doing it. I have friends who support me no matter how hard it gets for me. Aspergers is fucking small in comparison to everything else. Depression and Anxiety scare others but with the right friends and relationships it can be slowly overcome.

And this is where the challenge comes in…

A couple of months ago I set a challenge for people  for #IAMME. Sadly I didn’t see as many captioned photos as I’d hoped but I’m grateful for the people that showed everything and shared the initial link. So let’s make the next one go viral.  This is where my next challenge comes in. I want people to use the hashtag #BECAUSEIAMSCARED and I want you to tell me what scares you. Put it on social media (I.E. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter etc). It can be as long or as short as you want but make it count for something. Share your story and tell people what scares you. You should never be scared.

Thank You

I know I’m not exactly present on here (in fact I’ve decide to scrap my weekly summary so don’t expect anymore of that) but I do post here. In fact I’m actually here to say thank you to those that read my initial post. The response has been overwhelmingly positive and I want to thank each and every single person that has looked at this.

First of all, I want to thank those around the world from countries such as the UK (where I’m actually from), the USA, Canada, Phillipines, France, Australia, New Zealand. I’ve had roughly around 500 visitors. It may not seem much but to me it’s the greatest thing I feel i’ve had for me as such so far.

Next I want to thank my loving, supporting family for being there no matter what my behaviour has been like. I’m extremely grateful to call you my family.

And finally, my friends. I’m glad that you’re such great people who are there for me and helpful if I struggle with anything. I really couldn’t ask for better friends. No matter where you’re from or who you are I’m just glad you are my friends.

Ok, now that the mushy thank you stuff has finished I will say that I’m working on an official date for the campaign to begin. So far I have three committee members on my side which could hopefully lead to more. If you have any questions be sure to check out “IAmMe: The Campaign” on Twitter or “I AM ME: A Charity Campaign” on Facebook and message me with any queries or if you also have Aspergers and just want a general chat.

With that said, I may have a Dealing with Aspergers Post coming up sometime this month but if not, I wish you all a Merry Christmas (or Hanukkah, or Eid (even though I’m sure those have finished)). I’ll see you in the New Year!